When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want to be your penis for a week.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
