I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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