Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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