george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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