Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
