Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
