I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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