there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
