Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I want her autograph on my taint
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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