and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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