You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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