I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
