dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
