Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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