mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
