I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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