whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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