How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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