i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize