We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
