Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
