I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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