did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
