I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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