OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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