Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
