Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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