And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
