i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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