i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
