I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
