She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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