if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
