I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
