Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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