one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize