if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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