Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
