have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize