Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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