As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
