you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
