My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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