I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
