After last night, I could never be a politician.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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