my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize