I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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