No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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