OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
