Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
