Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
