I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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