Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
