So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
