Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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