my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
