one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
