One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
