That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
